A Commentary on "The Dance" - by kristydoll

When I wrote The Dance, I wrote it on my own experience. What I did not expect was criticism on how I dealt with pain. I had many negative responses about the way the submissive in question stomped around – and thus, was not being very submissive at all.

Not submissive? Does being a submissive or being submissive, mean one must like pain?  I never believed this to be true, and I still don’t. I have yet to truly define my feelings on how I feel about pain. As far as pain itself, I do not like it. In fact, it’s fair to say that when I am experiencing it, I hate it. But, after the fact, and in my fantasies, I crave pain. That is when I need to feel it, no matter how much I don’t enjoy it when I do. Can one be a masochist and not like pain?    

Before, I thought I was doing something wrong when it came to taking pain. I felt like I always failed because I could not take that much. I just could not understand how some people found pleasure in it. I mean, how did the pain bring on pleasure? As hard as I tried to find the pleasure, all I felt was pain. This sense of failure became a very big deal to me. 

I finally made my peace with pain by not finding the pleasure in it. I ceased to look for it. Instead, I let myself experience the pain. It hurt and I allowed it to.  More importantly, I allowed my partner to see that it hurt. I yelled, bucked, tried to dodge the blows, cried, screamed and reacted to it in its purest form. 

I did not look for pleasure, because there was none in that moment. Instead, I felt the raw emotions and that became freeing to me. No longer was I trying to find the impossible, but I allowed myself to experience the now.

In turn, my partner did not see my reactions as unsubmissive, but rather, it allowed him to see the true me. There was no hidden emotion or reaction. There was no inward struggle that was all my own. I gave myself completely to him and the pain he inflicted. It became a true giving of myself. And it was by doing so that I understood, for the first time, the pleasure in the pain.