By Wildrose
When we say lifestyle BDSM, we can mean many different things, from the person who has made a choice to include BDSM in his lifestyle, to someone who chooses only to have friends, go to clubs etc involved in BDSM. To me, lifestyle BDSM is not either of those things, but rather an actual relationship that is the basis for an entire life. It controls all the things we do and the reasons behind it. This is sometimes referred to as a 24/7 relationship. Both partners are "in role" at all times.
Many people fantasize about this type of relationship, but for most it is not practical, or even truly desired. Books portray 24/7 as the ultimate S&M relationship, usually with an unwilling sub who "learns" that she was really always submissive and only had to be shown that she was truly a "slave" at heart. Unfortunately, many people reading these books develop fantasies that are not only unrealistic, but degrade the actual relationships of lifestylers.
24/7 Lifestyle BDSM can and does exist for many BDSMers. Most of these are located outside of the "scene", preferring to keep that aspect of their relationship private from the prying eyes of the world. These relationships are often thought of as abusive, harmful or their participants as "sick" or "unstable" by others both in and out of the scene. So many lifestylers, unfortunately, feel they need to keep it hidden.
So what exactly is a 24/7 relationship? This can take different forms and mean different things for different people, but basically it is a BDSM relationship in which the roles are constant, affecting all aspects of the person's life, rather than just a s eries of "scenes". In fact many lifestylers rarely do "scenes", as their entire life and way of interaction has essentially become the scene.
Here is a personal account of my lifestyle relationship:
My master and I met 11 years ago. We were both young and innocent, especially in the ways of BDSM. We became the best of friends and quickly fell in love. Neither of us had any idea of the others S&M desires, but that soon changed. In the early days, it was I who first made the steps to bring it out into the open. I asked to be used more roughly and shared my fantasies about being dominated. He had the desire to dominate me, but had a hard time giving himself permission to do so. We were raised to respect others, and it was hard to reconcile the feelings of loving someone but wanting to treat them as not much more than an object. We didn't know the phrase BD/SM, or that other people can do those things in a loving relationship. We both thought we were the only ones.
Once we were able to accept our desires for what they were things escalated. Our sex didn't always include a bd/sm aspect, but a lot of times it did. We were together for three years before we got married. At first our marriage was a 50/50 partnership in all things, and in some things it still is. He changed his share of dirty diapers, and did the majority of the housework. BD/SM was strictly for the bedroom (or living room or kitchen table). Slowly, that changed. We got more involved in our BD/SM activities, they became more intense, sometimes more dangerous and definitely more of ten. It started to spill out of the bedroom and into the rest of our lives. He would pinch me sharply in public, and I would learn not to gasp and draw attention to what was going on. I was learning to submit to him, rather than "bottoming".
Over the next five years, we learned, changed and grew a lot. We discovered dominance and submission wasn't just sexual. We found we desired it more, and completely. It wasn't easy, or a direct route. We went through phases, sometimes D/S would be pra ctically all the time, and sometimes we would take unconscious "breaks" from it. We built up trust and love. We learned our natural roles in the relationship. I learned that I wanted to belong to him totally at all times. He learned he was ac tually able to accept that responsibility.
The decision to become a 24/7 couple wasn't so much a decision as recognition of what had already taken place in our hearts. We already knew that I belonged to him body and soul. The only conscious decision was to allow that to reflect in our daily life , in all our interactions. It sounds like as though it was a simple and easy process, but it wasn't! We had good times, bad times, ups and downs. Even when you desire nothing more than to submit to a person, in reality it is very hard. Your mind puts up a lot of resistance. I had walls around different parts of my mind and psyche. Walls had to be broken down piece by piece. Sometimes, it was hard work for him to break even the slightest bit, and other times huge sections would come crashing down. It was hard. It took tons of work. It was a very slow process that led us to where we are today.
We've been living a full-time Master and slave relationship for about 3 years. What this means is, he can do anything or have me perform any act he wishes at anytime day or night. I do not have the right to refuse. Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a we ek we are in the relationship. It affects all aspects of both of our lives.
Much of my life resembles a vanilla "housewife", I cook, clean, take care of the kids, feed the cats and do the laundry. The difference is the motivation behind those acts. Masters differ in the amount of control they take in a 24/7 relationship. Some prefer to let the slave go about their daily tasks, knowing that all they do is to please their Master. Others like to micro-manage every detail of the slave's day. My Master is somewhat between the two. He leaves a daily chores list, telling me what he expects to be done, and by what time, any clothes he wants us to be wearing and anything special that needs to be done, but he leaves the details to me. I have quite a bit of freedom within my bonds, but am never allowed to forget those bond s exist. For instance, I have to curtsey when entering his presence and am only allowed one meal a day while his other slave (also 24/7) is not allowed to use any furniture in the house and has to crawl when she enters a room he occupies.
In a 24/7 relationship, the little things matter. We rarely do a "scene", as all of our life is a "scene". It is the little and constant reminders that make me feel a slave. And, I suppose it is the never knowing what is next that makes it exciting. When he comes into the kitchen while I'm cooking, I don't know if he's just there to chat, or use me sexually or administer some sort of pain. I never know if he's going to play Nintendo games all evening or beat me till I'm a slobbering crying mess. I do know that whatever he desires, I will serve him to the best of my ability. I know I please him. Nothing in the world could make me happier.
Wildrose