By euphoria <deviant1@blueyonder.co.uk>
BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism. Nowhere is it written that a BDSMer has to enjoy every aspect of BDSM, indeed there are many people who very definitely don't enjoy the SM part and have no real desire to give or receive pain. There does however seem to be an underlying assumption that all BDSMers will be interested in some form of dominance and/or submission, this assumption is particularly prevalent on the Internet and most particularly on IRC.
Just to briefly outline my own situation ... I think of myself as a masochist. To me this means that I obtain physical pleasure from sensations that are commonly defined as 'painful'. I also enjoy a sensation of helplessness and vulnerability during sex, so this is where bondage comes in. Luckily for me, my partner defines himself as a consensual sadist :-) He gets his turn-on from inflicting pain on someone who enjoys it, and he likes his 'victim' to be restrained. So together we enjoy bondage and sadism / masochism, but dominance and submission is not part of our lives and we don't really recognise the concept of 'discipline', as the giving and receiving of pain is for pleasurable reasons, not punishment. I don't 'submit' to pain or simply take it because my partner wants and expects it, I'm a lot more motivated than that and actively seek certain sensations and experiences. My partner doesn't seek to exercise control over me, doesn't think of himself as my master and doesn't expect me to be eternally respectful, neither of us attempts to adopt any particular role ( we just do what comes naturally :-)) and I have never been 'trained', nor would I want to be.
Sounds simple enough, doesn't it? It certainly makes sense to us, but when we started venturing into the world of IRC we quickly formed the impression that we were in a minority and that our style of BDSM is one that many people at best simply cannot grasp, and at worst see as less than valid, not quite the 'real thing'. The problem seems to reside in the fact that most of the channels do cater specifically for those who are interested in Dom-sub or Master / Mistress-slave relationships, and the assumptions and formalities associated with that lifestyle are all-pervasive even on channels that are intended to appeal to a broader spectrum of perverts . Firstly we have the 'capitalisation' convention, by which I mean that dominants use Upper Case Nicknames and submissives are in lower case. The man in my life doesn't really think of himself as dominant, he's simply a sadist, but he's definitely not a sub and as capitalising his name is grammatically correct, he uses an Upper Case Nick. The result is that he is called 'Sir' on a regular basis by women (and sometimes men) he's never spoken to before in his life. This irks him considerably but he often finds that trying to explain why he doesn't like it, and persuading people not to call him that, is like banging his head against a brick wall. I on the other hand use a lower case nick, not because I consider myself a sub as such, I'm a masochist, but mainly because I know that if I were in Upper Case I would be mistaken for a mistress and would be inundated with messages from male submissives. As it is, I get messaged by dominant men, many of whom are very pleasant and interesting to talk to, but I also experience an enormous number of conversations that go something like this :
<MaleDom> Hi, how are you ?
<me> fine thanks :-)
<MaleDom> femsub ?
<me> not really a sub, more of a masochist or 'bottom'
<MaleDom> do you have a Master ?
<me> no, i have a partner but he's not my master, we're SM players
and not into D/s
<MaleDom> but you are free and uncollared ?
<me> yes ...
<MaleDom> are you looking for a Master ?
<me> no ...
<MaleDom> what kind of thing does your partner require you to do ?
<me> err ... he doesn't 'require' anything of me, we don't do D/s
<MaleDom> how does he punish you ?
<me> he doesn't, we're into pain play but we don't think of it as
punishment
<MaleDom> does your Master allow you to speak with other Masters ?
<me> he's not my master ....
<MaleDom> would you submit to my discipline ?
Around this point I usually realise that the conversation is going nowhere and stop responding. The other side of the coin is the male submissive who sees all women as superior to himself, regardless of the woman's preferences, and I have conversations along these lines :
<malesub> hello Mistress how are You ?
<me> fine thanks but i'm not a mistress :-)
<malesub> sorry Ma'am
<me> no need to call me Ma'am, just my name will do fine
<malesub> yes Mistress
<me> sigh ...
The above mind-set is so much the orthodox view that at first glance it appears that that's the only way to do it. However, when challenged and questioned many people will end up saying "Well actually all this 'Sir' business isn't really me, but hey, when in Rome ..." It emerges that quite a few people are in fact mainly interested in sensation play and ... dare I say it ... strange and unusual sexual practices, and really aren't turned on by adopting a traditionally dominant or submissive role and would definitely prefer to dispense with the formalities, but they tend to go along with it. The reason for this, I venture, is that to be a D/s'er is somehow perceived as 'better' than to be a sado-masochist or a straightforward pervert. Many times I have heard people who enjoy pain play and kinky sex described as 'shallow', and the phrase "So many are just in it for the kink these days ..." crops up frequently in a derogatory context.
My question is, what's wrong with just being in it for the kink? Where did this idea come from that if you're not taking it seriously you're not doing it right? Surely it's meant to be fun? I have no problem with people who are genuinely interested in lifestyle D/s, it may not be my thing but if they find it satisfying and it brings them happiness I'm never going to argue with that. What I don't understand is the number of people who are 'players' at heart, but pay lip-service to being 'lifestylers' because they think that's what they should do, that it's somehow a better way in spite of the fact that it doesn't come naturally to them. In my opinion the 'better way' is to follow your own instincts and be what you want to be, and if the conventions in Rome don't suit you, you can always go somewhere else.
If any of the above strikes a chord with you, you might like to try #deviance on irc.bondage.com. This is a wide-ranging SM and fetish chat and discussion channel with emphatically "no" D/s expectations. We'd love to see you there