Do not sign on with your REAL first and last name, with the intent of entering chat rooms or corresponding with people you do not know. Use just your first name, or a pseudo name of some sort.
Do not give your full name (especially last name), address, or phone number to anyone who you have just met online. First name is sufficient. Get to know and trust someone before providing them with detailed personal information. Trust your gut instincts and be sensitive to "red flags". Avoid anyone who DEMANDS to know your full name, phone number, or address. Avoid anyone who is threatening in any way.
Be respectful and demand respect from others. You do not have any obligation to respond to rude, crude, or threatening emails or instant messages.
The Golden Rule applies just as much to online as it does to real life associations with other people.
In getting to know someone online, ask questions and try to get a good sense of who that person is. If considering a play date, you might consider asking him/her for references. You might also ask others in the scene what they know about that person. Consider warnings or opinions seriously, within the context of each individual situation, realizing that the person telling you your prospective partner is dangerous, may or may not be a reliable source. If several people warn you about your prospective partner, or if a reliable and trustworthy friend warns you, you had better take this very seriously. Pay attention to any red flags & trust your gut instinct. Proceed slowly and cautiously.
Most experienced, knowledgeable, and honest players will understand your need to "check them out". Be suspicious of people who act like they have something to hide and get angry at any attempt you make to check them out.
Until you get to know someone, don't reveal too much about your personal life.
Phone numbers may be exchanged once basic trust is established. However, keep in mind that "caller ID" and reverse telephone number searches are available now. You may think you are playing it safe by requesting the other person's phone number and then phoning him/her. If you phone that person from your home phone, they are likely to know your name and phone number immediately through their caller ID. And if you are listed in the phone book, they can look up your addres. If you give someone your phone number, a reverse search with that number will reveal your full name and address. Because of these modern technologies, it is more difficult to come up with an intelligent strategy to facilitate a phone conversation while simultaneously maintaining a low risk to your personal safety.
Here is one possible suggestion to this dilemma. If you are not totally comfortable with someone yet, and he/she wants to speak with you on the phone, ask for his/her phone number so you can initiate the phone call. If you wish to insure your anonymity for the time being, disable Caller-ID by entering the appropriate code prior to placing the phone call. Or place the call from a pay phone. This, of course, is based upon the premise that the other person trusts you enough to give you his/her phone number, and realizes that you don't trust him/her enough to provide your phone number in return. So, you are starting from the position of them trusting you, but you not trusting them. Many people would not be comfortable with such an unbalanced trust situation. Therefore, this will only work if both people understand and accept this reality.
If the other person demands your phone number, this should be interpreted as a red flag.
Exchanging more detailed personal information should ultimately be reciprocal. Although you should never provide detailed personal information to someone with whom you don't feel a basic degree of trust and comfort, realize that, if you are building a friendship, it is not fair for you to have the other person's full name, address, and phone number, while you continue (for several more months) to provide him/her with only your first name.
Before meeting in person, you might want to speak on the phone first. It is easier to get a true sense of who someone is by talking than by reading text on a screen. Take your time, and if you get a bad feeling about someone, trust your gut instinct.
Although paranoia is not healthy, neither is being naive about
potential realities. Be aware that there is a small percent
of "dangerous" preditors on the internet. Part
of your job, in getting to know someone, is to determine, to the
best of your ability, the ethics and philosophy of this person.
You especially need to sift out those who are potentially dangerous
or abusive.
A few rules of caution are in order when you meet in person for the first time.
Unless you feel comfortable in doing so, it is not necessary to reveal your full name or address or phone number prior to your first real life meeting. The decision as to whether or not to reveal this personal information may be made during your first meeting, depending upon your personal comfort level.
The first real life meeting should NOT be for the purpose of play; it should be a get acquainted meeting, so that you can get to know each other, and discuss philosophy, orientation, likes, dislikes, limits, and other topics relevant for a play date. Filling out a pre-scene negotiation questionnaire, like the one in the book "Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns", is one option. This would be the appropriate time to discuss what each person is looking for on a play date. This is also the appropriate time to discuss safe sex.
Meet in a PUBLIC place (restaurant, coffee shop, shopping mall).
You might consider parking your car some distance away for
two reasons:
a) so that you cannot be followed, if the meeting does not go
well
b) so that the other person can't write down your license number,
then look up your address
If you get a bad feeling about the person during this first meeting, and decide you would not feel comfortable playing with him/her, it would be preferable to communicate this via email later, rather than in person.
If the person is threatening or makes you uncomfortable, and you react in a negative way (like stating that you would not consider a play date because of his threatening manner), he is more likely to do something rash, like follow you to your car. Be discreet, be tactful, use common sense.
Above all else, communicate and ask questions. Be honest and
open about your needs. Don't hesitate to ask questions or
admit that you don't know something. Tell the other person, in
detail, exactly what you want out of the relationship.
Get to know someone well prior to any play date. Make sure you have established a basic sense of trust, and have previously discussed preferences, limits, likes, dislikes, etc. If you are getting together to play, you have a right to have (beforehand) the other person's full name and phone number. You might also write down the make, model and license plate number of his/her car.
Entrust a reliable friend with the information stated above. Also make sure your friend knows the physical address and phone number where you will be playing.
Go easy on your first play date. It is generally recommended NOT to allow yourself to be tied up on your first date. Try to avoid extreme activities until you get to know one another (gags, blindfolds, severe pain). It is better to err on the conservative side until you are better acquainted with your partners preferences and limits. The goal should ultimately be to create an experience that is comfortable and pleasurable enough so that both of you wish to get together again at a later date. It will take several play dates to fully establish trust, and get to know your partner's limits, likes and dislikes.
Discuss and agree upon SAFEWORDS ahead of time. Commonly used words are "yellow" = slow down, "red" = stop.
Consider arranging a SAFE CALL.
Entrust a reliable friend with the same information mentioned
above, which should include some or all of the following: Full
name, address, phone number, and brief physical description of
the person you will be meeting, and possibly the license plate
number of his car.. Where and when you will be playing.
The physical address and phone number at the play location (if
it is a motel, make sure your friend has either the room number,
or the name under which the room will be registered). Discuss
"key" word(s) before the date. You might say,
"things are going GREAT", if you are in trouble and
need your friend's assistance in getting away. You could
have another phrase like, "I'm ok, there are no PROBLEMS",
if it is an emergency situation and your friend needs to phone
the police. If everything is fine, just convey this without
using the words "GREAT" or "PROBLEMS".
Make sure the phone is working at the play location and that the
ringer is turned ON. Phone your friend after you have met
your date, but before you start playing. You should make
phone contact with your friend at specified intervals throughout
your play date.
Put your valuables in a safe place; especially if you are playing at your house or apartment.
Keep your car keys, purse, wallet near the door, so you can get them quickly in the event the situation becomes dangerous and you need to escape quickly.
Practice safe sex.
The goal of a play date should be a mutually pleasurable and fulfilling experience.