If you are married to a vanilla spouse, you are probably aware of the inherent difficulties; practical as well as emotional. Although our numbers don't appear to be great, for those of us in this painful situation, frustration, loneliness, emotional distress, and depression are not uncommon experiences; feeling that no matter what you do, there is no "good" solution. If we bury the need, we will be miserable and frustrated; if we try to fulfill the need outside of marriage, we fear that our spouse will not understand and will be hurt.
There are certain unique difficulties associated with being in a marriage or long term relationship with a vanilla partner, when you have a fetish interest. I know there are others in this situation, however, I am not at all certain what percent of those with fetish interests are in a LTR with a vanilla partner. For some, this situation has resulted in divorce. For those still in the marriage/LTR, I have found that some fulfill the fetish need outside of their relationship without informing their spouse. A very small percent choose to discuss their needs honestly and openly with their spouse. Many others continue to bury their needs.
I am married to a vanilla partner, and I do not know if my personal experiences are the same as the experiences of others, however, I would like to explore this in some depth, if possible. In order to do this, I need input from others, both male and female, who have a fetish interest, and are (or were) in a LT relationship (especially a marriage) with a vanilla partner.
I have been married for over ten years. My wife does not find spanking erotic, and has never been able to share this with me. In fact, due to some very traumatic childhood experiences, she equates spanking with violence and terror rather than eroticism. These emotional scars are so deep that she will never be able to enjoy this type of activity. I have tried to engage her many times, but ultimately, she does not find eroticism in spanking, and if I try to spank her, she finds it to be a turn off.
Being a switch, I have tried having her spank me. These experiences, although enjoyable, have not been fulfilling in a real sense, and are no substitute for a truly fulfilling experience with someone else who understands and shares the eroticism of spanking.
Based upon my personal experience, I have come to the conclusion that a vanilla partner will not be able to provide a fulfilling experience for someone with a fetish interest. Attempting to top without understanding the inherent eroticism is similar to mechanically following a set of written instructions, without truly understanding what you are doing or why. The end result lacks the feeling and eroticism necessary to create a fulfilling experience. Part of the enjoyment is also knowing that the other person is enjoying it also. When the other person is going through the motions to please you, but finds no personal turn-on related to this activity, a significant part of the enjoyment is lost.
People like myself are in a vanilla relationship, primarily because, prior to 1990, there was no internet, and no means of making connections with others who shared an interest in erotic spanking (or any other fetish). Thus, for most of my life, I never knew or dated anyone who found spanking erotic, and had no outlet for this need. I went online in October 1995, and began to meet others who shared this interest. Unfortunately, I discovered that over 95% of the females I met systematically rejected me as a prospective play partner because I was married. I should mention that I chose to be honest and open about my needs with my wife (something that few people in my position dare to do). In retrospect, I have to question whether or not this was a mistake. My conclusion, at this point, is that a vanilla person will NEVER understand a fetish need, no matter what you say. By openly discussing my needs, I caused her pain and hurt, and she lashed out at me. Thus, I was receiving it from BOTH sides; being systematically rejected by hundreds of females over the past three years, while simultaneously being the target of emotional hurt and jealousy as my wife lashed out at me in anger. The cumulative emotional impact was devastating, and ultimately resulted in clinical depression.
I made several attempts at contacting "pro-dommes". The results were mixed, and in the process, I learned some things about myself. I am not a dom, and I am not a sub; perhaps the terms "top" and "bottom" would better suit my play style (for a discussion of the distinctions I make between these two sets of terms, read: Dom/Sub...TopBottom; Distinction, Discussion & Symantics). Basically, I do not enjoy psychological domination; either giving or receiving. I should point out here that a person who is battling clinical depression should NOT be subjected to psychological domination or humiliation (this is my personal opinion). It can result in a severe depressive episode.
My wife would probably feel less emotionally threatened if I were able to find a "pro" with whom to share this need, as it would be more of a "professional" relationship, without the potential emotional overtones. After visiting many websites, I got the impression that most are into much more hard core play than would suit my taste, and virtually all seem to utilize psychological domination as central to their play style. Also, most seem to imply, if not directly state, a "hands off" policy insofar as any sexual contact. An integral part of a fulfilling spanking experience, for me, would have to include sensual, erotic touching, caressing, and ultimately a manually induced sexual release at the conclusion. Anything less, for me, would be an experience of extreme frustration and non-fulfillment. I also greatly enjoy switching, and I have yet to come across a pro dom who enjoys switching roles.
Is there a "pro" who could meet my needs? Unfortunately, I have growing doubts about finding anyone. Someone willing to share a very deep part of my emotional/sexual being as a friend, who understands the eroticism of spanking, who can play in a sensual/erotic manner without psychological domination, who might enjoy switching, who is not averse to providing (manually) a sexual release at the conclusion. If you are out there, please let me know.
Update: October 1999
This website was not updated between June 1998 and September 1999, a period of 15 months. This is an attempt to explain my absence and why this website was not updated during that time. October 1999 was the first time I updated (or visited) this website in 15 months.
I have struggled with depression, on and off, for over 24 months. I am currently trying to recover from a serious depression that set in over 14 months ago, which ultimately resulted in my avoidance of the internet over the last 12 months, and my inability to even respond to emails that I have received. I apologize to those who attempted to correspond with me.
Let me try to explain. In December 1997, I met a prospective local female play partner. We scheduled a get acquainted lunch, then a play date. I (mistakenly) maintained my honest/open communication policy with my wife. She became hurt and upset, and (once again) lashed out at me. I kept the play date, however, subsequently realized that the lady had been somewhat deceptive and misleading with me about certain things. The emotional trauma of this event, combined with all that I had endured previously, resulted in my spiraling back into a very severe depression. However, there was a delayed onset; the depression did not set in for 3 or 4 months (sort of like a "post-traumatic stress" reaction???).
By summer of 1998, I had gotten to the point where there was an emotional connection between my "fetish" interest (or anything that reminded me of it) and severe emotional pain. Anything related to "erotic spanking", instead of triggering eroticism, would trigger severe depression, bringing back the acute emotional pain of all the hurtful events related to my "coming out", over the last three years, combined. The internal pain felt worse than a knife sticking in my side, and I was edging closer and closer to the point where I truly thought I might take my own life. In October 1998, I went back on Paxil, an SSRI anti-depressant. It may have saved my life. Still, even going online to retrieve email related to erotic spanking would cause me to feel very deep emotional pain, and sometimes experience depression, even while on Paxil. I found it difficult to read spanking related email, and found it impossible to reply. I found it far too painful to even think about updating this website, or visiting other spanking websites. I stopped attending meetings in a local BDSM group. Basically, anything even remotely connected with erotic spanking would trigger severe emotional pain, often so severe and hurtful, that I truly did not want to be alive. Unfortunately, instead of being a joyful, freeing experience, my "coming out of the closet" has been the most hurtful, nightmarish experience of my life.
For a brief moment, I went back online (hesitantly) in early 1999, and sent a brief email to a female in the Denver area, who's AOL profile intrigued me. I will copy just one line from her reply email to me: "Like those you mention in your site, I too am among those who prefer not to play with married men." Her preference here is certainly understandable. Unfortunately, reading this line (as I have hundreds of times before) felt like a knife sticking in my side. It was like the cumulative pain resulting from the hundreds of other similarly worded emails, received over the last three years, all hitting me at once. Even on Paxil, I plummeted into a very severe depression, which lasted weeks. I am now afraid to initiate correspondence with others, because I know that I cannot emotionally endure the pain of reading this message even one more time. The pain is too great; the scars go too deep.
Our sexuality is at the core of our being; and the needs associated with its fulfillment lie at the deepest and most personal part of our being. Our sexuality and the needs associated with it are NOT intellectual decisions!!! An assault on our sexuality or an inability to fully express and fulfill these needs can have devastating emotional results.
Over the next few months, I will attempt to post, to this webpage, emails received from others, over the last 15 months, who were kind enough to share their thoughts and experiences with me. I apologize for being neither emotionally capable of replying nor posting these, up to this point. I hope you understand. The emotional pain has been and still is very severe. My only way of coping was to avoid anything related to erotic spanking; or risk spiraling into a suicidal depression.
Let me also mention that if you suffer emotional pain from this type of situation and seek out a psychologist to help you cope, good luck finding one who does not view your fetish need as some sort of disorder, in and of itself. Many will think you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder. Others will associate spanking with "violence" and think that you require therapy for finding eroticism in such a "violent" activity; the goal, of course would be to cure you of your fetish. Thus, even psychotherapy for emotional trauma related to an unfulfilled fetish interest can have its own set of difficulties. This can be a very lonely road indeed.